Good afternoon, Minions.
I’m sitting here on my Ikea-made lounger (from the POÄNG series, I believe) sifting through oodles of fan mail (I love you all), whilst “crushing” an ice cold, widemouth, vented, silo of Coors Light. I am, to be frank, in heaven. First of all, for the unlearned, “crushing’ means slamming, as opposed to sipping. One doesn’t sip Coors Light. One crushes Coors Light. One enjoys Coors Light.
Second, I feel that the best use of this blog – aside from political rebuttals – is to answer the hard-hitting emails I receive from you, my fans.
With that said, I received an email from one Ashley Allowits, of Farmington, Mn. It reads as follows:
Dear Collin,
I am such a fan of your work, both on stage and in the communities (thank you for your tireless work to save orphaned field mice; you are truely [sic] an inspiration). I do have one question for you: why do you drink Smart Water on stage and Coors Light offstage so much? I’m a fan of both, but am wondering if this is out of love for the products or because of another, less tangible reason.
Anyway, I love you and am so excited to see you at the Dog House in Maplewood on the 5th of August.
Sincerely,
Ashley Allowits
PS> Your rendition of “Walking on Air” is my fave!!! Please play that and add “Uprising” by Muse and “Closer to the Edge” by 30 Seconds to Mars.
So, Ashley, you’ve noticed my beverage consumption, eh? That’s very cool. Let me explain:
While not currently sponsored by either Smart Water, nor Coors Light, I would be open to an arrangement whereas either company pays me cash to drink their beverages. Sign me up. While we’re at it, I’d be willing to sponsor products ranging from: Spanx, Levi’s skinny jeans, chest hair restorative product(s), the Dress Barn, Jamison Whiskey, Jeremiah Weed, Ron’s Plumbing Company, and any number of local full-service car wash businesses.
Anyway, I drink Smart Water for a couple of reasons, but mainly because Jennifer Aniston supports the brand. She is, in a word, “perfect.” Yeah, yeah, some say or guess she’s a bad lay and an annoying girlfriend, but that usually comes from a place of jealousy. Who cares if she can’t hold down a man longer than the duration of a mouse fart? Who cares if she films nude scenes and then doesn’t release them? If Jen drinks it, I drink it. The other more scientific reason is due to the addition of electrolytes in the water as they not only serve as a great thirst quencher, but also improve my physical stamina and respiratory system’s functionality (or something like that, I imagine).
Now, in talking about Coors Light and my love of the product, it comes down to one word: technology.
For those who don’t know, I am a bit of a technophile. I was the first person on earth to own an Atari 2600 (same for an Apple IIe, but who is bragging?), I stood in line for 12 days to buy the Motorola Razr flip phone, and I have owned each iPhone (mainly because I drop and subsequently break them, but I digress). I own a litany of flat panel televisions, including one that produces a near-perfect 4D picture. I could go on, but just know I am pretty much soaking in technology.
Naturally, I would want to drink a beer that shares the same passion, so to speak, for technology. And Coors Light does this to a “T”. Let’s run through the ways, shall we?
- Widemouth opening for quicker, easier drinking (“Crushing”) – If anything, one wants to drink their beer super fast.
- Vented lid for better beverage flow (see previous bullet)
- Cold-temp notification system – You ever grab a beer, expecting it to be cold, but instead it’s so hot that you burn your mouth or crotch so badly they have to fly a replacement mouth or penis in from Pyongyang? Exactly! With the 2 levels of cold notification on the Coors Light can, you never have to worry about spilling hot beer on your man parts. If it’s blue, it’s cold. If it’s SUPER blue, it’s damn near Krypton-cold. If it’s not a shade of blue at all, it’s probably boiling. Put it down.
- Silo can – Coors Light is the only beer to come in the tall, silo apparatus. Instead of a hard to hold, 16-ounce cylinder, Coors Light comes in an easy-to-hold, 21-ounce can.
- Can lining – the Coors Light can is lined with a NASA-created material that not only keeps the beer at a comfortable -45 degrees F, but also increases the amount of pushups a man can do by 15%. It’s math and can’t be argued
- Water – the most important feature (albeit a non-technical feature) that makes Coors Light the nectar of the Gods is the source of its water. Fact: Coors Light uses crystal clear water derived directly from the Rockies (the mountains, not the baseball team). While most beers (ahem, Microbrews) use shitty tap water or water gathered after an acid-rain storm, Coors Light has a never-ending agreement to use the Rockies as a source for their beer’s water. Being that this water is coming off of the mountains and glaciers, the temperature is damn near freezing. The water is so cold that even looking at it makes one’s face freeze up for days on end. Fact: Coors uses a space-age polymer to tap the water and filter the deer shit out of it for inclusion in the brewing cycle. Once collected, the water is mixed with a secret recipe of hops and other stuff to make for the perfect beer.
"I love technology ..."