After a year’s long investigation, we are finally able to identify the culprit of what the Rochester Journal called “The Fart To End All Farts.” At our North Star show in Rochester on January 25th of this year, a noxious cloud formed above the band mid-set. This seemingly sentient being hung at a distance until, like many of the alien drones off the coast of New Jersey, suddenly shape-shifted and descended upon all who were present that fateful evening. What became evident as band members’ hair-like cilia were permanently singed was this “being” was actually flatulence from some seemingly sick individual. “The smell started on stage,” said singer Collin remembering that awful event. “And then, like the Mist from Stephen King’s novel of the same name, wafted over the audience indiscriminately. People were vomiting. People were running in terror knocking over each to leave the building. It was as sad as it was embarrassing. And now, knowing who the disgusting culprit is, brings us some peace.”
Using deductive reasoning and the latest in scientific technologies including DNA sampling of the fart molecules that landed on and ruined many of the band’s instruments, we are now 99.99999999999% certain it was bald keyboardist and infected Motaba capuchin from the film Outbreak, Matt Baldkeys.
Adding clarity to this conclusion is the results from many different at-home tests of Matt’s dung showing he was, at the time of the show, carrying over 15 different viruses picked up from his sons and his church parishioners.
“Matt is always getting us sick,” said Justine. “But usually those illnesses are passed on through his mouth as we are forced to lean due to his being a quiet talker. But this illness was passed on via an extinction-level event.” She added, “Luckily the people of Rochester have welcomed us back even after this… horrific scene.”
While Matt was temporarily suspended without pay, he was allowed to return to the band until a suitable and… less fart-prone keyboardist is located. DM us with any good candidates.