Marketing your band is tough. Unless you’re an über-successful band/artist like Fat Lip, David Archuleta, or Chumbawamba, it’s tough to garner attention from an increasingly over-marketed public.

FlashMob! and its earlier iteration, The Subsidies –, has tried it all. In an effort to increase the band’s reach, we’ve paid a homeless lady to dress up as Lady Liberty and had her stand on a busy street corner passing out gig flyers, we’ve hired a skywriter, spent money on expensive SEO (or “Internet Witchcraft” as it’s fake), bought air time during the Super Bowl (on public access TV), and even leveraged product placement in expensive Hollywood movies; you may remember John Carter mentioning us in last year’s Disney film of the same title.

With little to no effect, we’ve turned our attention to social media. We have a Friendster page, we’re personally connected to MySpace’s Tom, and on Facebook, we have a “Baby Photo of the Week” feature that has done very well for us. Fans can check-in to our shows using Foursquare and earn free Mozzi sticks. With Twitter, we’ve also opened ourselves up by asking our followers to send us questions. And with that terrible and lazy segue, here’s the latest FM! Fan Mail:

Dear Fast mob, 

I don’t really have a question in as much as I have a comment.

I don’t care for most of your covers, but your original tune “Rise From the Ashes” is pretty cool. Also, you should play in Rochester more often.

Paul, from Rochester. Not a fan.

Thanks for the kind words, Paul. We’re glad you’re such a huge fan of FlashMob!. Rise From the Ashes is a cover of a Quietdrive song, sooo … um … you’re welcome???

Regarding Rochester: We’re hoping to swing through later this winter or into spring. We have fond memories of playing down there, including Rookie’s Bar where many a gang member hid their gun in the bar’s outdoor volleyball sand.


Dear Flashmob,

Where do you buy your pants?

Connie, from Anoka

Connie – thank you VERY much for the kind words about our bodies and overall attractiveness. We’re big fans, too. We buy most of our jeans from bulk retailers such as Sam’s Club and Harlen Brothers American Preppers and Military Surplus. Playing anywhere from 1 to 2 shows per month sees our jeans wear out rather quickly, especially MaK* who prefers jeans that come pre-ripped. By buying in bulk, we save boatloads of money. The same is true of Jeff’s Drums. Kidding.

Our ties, which have become as synonymous with FlashMob! as pointy bras have become to Madonna, are purchased illegally from China via the Internet. They may cause a rash on our necks and fall apart during their first use, but they come in our preferred 1 1/2″ width, in a wide assortment of colors, and are $1-a-piece. Hard to beat that price! Thanks, China.

I have no idea where Plete gets his pants, to be honest. As pleted khakis were to have gone out of style in the late 90s, I ASSUME he buys them from Goodwill, Savers, or perhaps he is a big garage sale shopper. As a side note, his golf polos are business SWAG. Maybe he buys them flat front and irons the pletes in on his own?

Thanks again, Connie!


Hey Flash Bong – I hate your name. Also, where are the bathrooms in this place?



Ooooohhhh….k?? The bathrooms are over ‘there,’ next to the Big Buck Hunter machine. Great to meet you.

PS> I don’t come down to your mother’s work and take the dicks out … no wait, it’s I don’t go to your mom’s house to … UGH … something about french fries and your mother! #NailedIt


flashed Mob –

What’s a Weed and Water? Also, Pete’s is hot. Is he single?

Cassidy, Plymouth (763-445-XXXX)


Howdy, Cassidy –

You’re correct. Pete – or ‘Plete,’ as he prefers to be called – is a very attractive man. Personally, I’d put him at a 7 out of 10, which is in the “Jason Segal” range of hot. Not only is he an attractive young man, but he’s very single, has a great job, is open to experimentation, and prides himself on his project management skills. Pete’s boss has even been quoted as saying, “It’s too bad Pete can’t do the band thing full-time.” Even HE sees Pete’s talents.

Hell, it’d be worth dating the guy for his height alone just for getting shit down from that top shelf.

Anyway, I’ve forwarded your cell # to Plete. Expect a call. Expect LOTS of calls.

Now on to your other question. A Weed and Water or a “Phelps” is the band’s drink of choice (not counting Coors Light, which is our OFFICIAL beer). The beverage is half Jeremiah Weed and half water and 2/3s heaven, mixed with ice and two-parts shame. It’s a beverage so good that one national beverage retailer magazine called it “gross fucking shit.” Anyway, we drink the hell out of it and have seen many-a-practice turn into a full-fledged orgy because of the damn stuff. Great drink.

Thanks for the question, thanks for dancing like no one’s watching, and thanks for your willingness to let Plete do things only ladies in Canada seem to let him do.


Dear fashioned squad –

No offense, and by all means, none taken, but a little more Country, please.

Ashley, Farmington.


Dear Ashley, worst question ever. The person who said “there are no bad questions” never heard yours. We already sing a Country song and even though we perform it damn well, our rectums bleed throughout the entire performance. Well, everyone’s but Josh’s as his rectum bleeds from a horrific unicycle accident suffered last July.

Seriously … “More Country.” Gross.


Dear flash mob –

It’s my husband’s birthday this February 15th and I’d love to surprise him with a flash mob. I don’t have a lot of money, but am thinking 10,000 people singing and dancing to a YMCA / Call Me Maybe mashup. I am thinking Mall of America or the Burnsville Red Lobster. Again, I don’t have a lot of cash, but this would make his – AND MY! – year. You can reach me at 952-XXX-XXXX to plan the details and work out a practice schedule.


Joyce Neyonyenson, Eagan


Hey Joyce, your husband is so very, very unlucky.


That’s enough for now. My voice is sore from dictating this to Siri.

We’ll have an update on the RV soon as big things have happened.

See you soon.