Are you guys getting big enough where it’s cool to hate you yet?  I don’t…I mean, not for sure, but you know that guy who finds the coolest things and then hates on them to seem unique and interesting?  Yeah, that’s me.  I actually already quit Google +.  That shit sucks.  I quit MySpace in 1988 and haven’t played Xbox since the 70’s.  For real, I’m that cool.  I actually only use colloquialisms like “for real” to be ironic.  Because obviously that shit is totally played out as well.

I love handlebar mustaches, like to the point that I’m going to tattoo one on my (no, you fuckstick NOT on my finger, I’ve already seen like 3 jpgs on the web of that played out dumb ass idea so I will NOT be doing that)….shit, where was I… Oh yeah…tattoo one on my leg.

Why my leg?  So that when I see people without cool facial hair I will kick them in the face.  Then my homeslice Ronnie (yes, from Jersey Shore, but not the TV show, just the location) will polaroid that shit just at the right moment so it’s positioned in the mustache zone.  Then I’ll scan the pics and load them up to one of those really cool blogs.  Not that I blog anymore, but maybe I’ll put them on Tumblr (sidenote: they allow boobs on Tumblr, and there are a lot of them)

Why do I use a Polaroid?  Huh…let’s see, I guess because iPhones are totally played out?  Yes.  That is why….do you even know me?  These questions I’m asking on your behalf really make you seem like a dumbass.

OK, sorry this got a little long, but I wanted you to really get a feel for how cool I am.  Not like normal cool, but like fucking ultra hipster cool with a stupid fucking 6 inch beard hanging off my face that makes others sweat at the mere sight of it.  I wear pinstriped, cut off Oshkosh overalls.  I smell like a combination of patchouli oil, ditchweed and sweat.

I’m assuming you’re getting the picture.  So now, assuming you got the feel for my level of coolness, let’s go back to the original question…are you guys big enough to hate yet?  Or are you like super local and small enough that I can say your name in front of 145 people and NONE of them have ever heard of you.  Because THAT is the type of band I like.  Ever heard of Framing Nelson?  Didn’t think so…they’re shit is awesome.  They are a small indie band out of Boise.  They have only had 2 shows ever.  What about Monster Crayon?  It’s just a little duo out of Manitoba that plays only a flute and a triangle.  Got Shaking Deck Post’s new single?  Probably not, because they don’t HAVE a single.

Alright, I’m out.  The web is so fucking over.

-“Jim”